I have valiantly been sending letters off to some of the UKs biggest stores in the hope of showing you who coughs up and who chokes down. The letters range from complaints to compliments but what they all have in common is my expectation of free stuff.

So, it pains me to admit that my mission to rob the stores of this great country for all the free stuff I can get is… not going well. Let’s look at who came up with the goods and who failed to deliver:

1. Space NK – eventually got back to me with a shower gel and a letter straight from dullsville.
2. Boots – £20 voucher and a grovelling but uninspired letter
3. Next – a lovely £20 voucher and a forgettable note of apology.
4. Hula Hoops – £2 voucher (hello) and a letter that demonstrated how they simply hadn’t even bothered to read what I wrote to them.
5. Asda – a letter, no frickin’ voucher!
6. KFC – nothing
7. Zara – am I invisible?
8. Topman – last time I shop there.
9. Waterstones – iPad from now on
10. Publishers of the Twilight books – I think I may have scared them.
11. Tesco – Every Little helps my arse.

Finally I think all that is left to do is read the letter I sent to KFC.

Why would they ignore that? You tell me?

Wednesday 28th July 2010.

Dear Sir or Madam,

KFC has been a staple in my diet since my parents and I moved over from Communist Russia in the early eighties. We lived in Blackpool within walking distance of a ‘Kentucky Fried Chicken’ as it was known back then. I used to go along everyday and come back with fried chicken to feed the family.

We did not yet own a Television and my English was limited to ordering food and swearing at the postman (we thought he was breaking in every morning to steal Papas collection of walking sticks). When my English was good enough I joined a school and tasted school dinners. This food tasted more like the food I had in Russia but I still ate it for fear I would be sent to back to a labour camp. I would go home after school and sit with my parents singing songs about the motherland whist eating yet more delicious Fried Chicken. Eventually we got a Television and I truly felt British when we sat down and ate in front of the flickering screen. I liked Noel Edmunds and Jeremy Beadle best of all (I think it was their beards).

KFC was the glue that held us together through those turbulent years. And your handy wipes were what kept us clean until we figured out how to pay the water rates. I wanted to let you know how I sometimes think of the colonel like a kindly Uncle and someone I owe my life to.

Yours Sincerely

Robert Mcaffrey

Robert McCaffrey’s on a Loserville mission, and that mission is to score as much free stuff by writing letters to all the big cheeses at loads of well known brands including NEXT, Hula Hoops and loads more. Follow his amazing adventures on this page which will be updated regularly as well as our Facebook page which you really should join!

Here’s the letter he sent us and scroll down for the letter he sent Hula Hoops!…so funny and super…we love you Rob!

Hello

I am currently on a mission to write to as many big companies as possible securing myself as many freebies as I can get. Some letters are complaints and others are complimentary. I have reproduced my recent letter to Hula Hoops below hoping you might like to feature it on Loserville.

I can post up my letters, their replies along with pictures of the vouchers and then pictures of what I buy with the vouchers. Literally take your readers on a journey – thrilling, eh?

I hope you enjoy…

R

Dear Sir or Madam,

I wanted to write to you to tell you how much a LOVE Hula Hoops. I especially love the BBQ beef flavour and am hungrily salivating just thinking about them. My preferred method of eating them is to stick them on the tip of my fingers and bite them off. Sometimes when I’m particularly hungry I accidentally nip the end of my finger and squeak in pain. But quickly the Hula goodness makes the pain go away.

I like Hula Hoops so much I even go to Hula Hoop classes every Monday. At first when I went along I thought it would be people discussing the tasty snack but quickly realised I was wrong. Despite this mistake (and the fact their hula hoops taste plastic and hurt my teeth) I have continued to go along. I can spin the hoop around my waist and throw it in the air and catch it. Stuff that is hard to do with the Hula Hoops you make.

When I first discovered your Hula Hoops I was very little and the hoops would slide all the way down my fingers. Now that I am grown up they don’t fit as well but I still like them. Will you maybe one day make a special grown up size Hula Hoop so people like me can pretend to be little again? I understand if you can’t tell me and have to keep you snack plans a secret from other snack manufacturers. But if you did tell me I promise not to tell them, cross my heart.

I wish I were eating hula hoops now – but I can’t because the vending machine at work is broken. I am not too sad though because it is nearly home time and I have more Hula hoops in the cupboard at home. It only takes me 15 minutes to get home so I wont have to wait to long, unless the train breaks down which happens all the time. I hope the train doesn’t break down.

Finally, I wanted to thank the person who invented Hula Hoops, I hope they are very rich because they should be. Making so many people happy must be a good job. If you ever need anyone to test Hula Hoops or make them (I promise not to eat them all) I am your man.

Yours Sincerely

Robert McCaffrey